I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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