imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
