I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
