I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
