My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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