toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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