You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
dude i'm inner monologue high
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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