Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
