My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
COCAINE IS GR8
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
