soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
