omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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