He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
