in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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