Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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