I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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