ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
