Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
