thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
