I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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