i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
