i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
no, he came in my armpit
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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