My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
