you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
