You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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