remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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