Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
