Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
