I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
