Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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