i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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