im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
