ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
