well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
