She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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