Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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