btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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