Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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