i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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