My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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