someone threw a dead crab at me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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