Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
