Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
it was like eating out sand paper
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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