a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
