Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
