tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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