did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
