oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
