I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
