In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Randomize
