When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
