i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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