We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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