The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
