party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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