it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
